By Cindy S. Lee 李欣怡
I was born and raised in the US to parents that immigrated from Taiwan. My parents worked as waiters in my uncle’s Chinese restaurant and later on through additional study became engineers. My grandparents also immigrated to the US and helped to raise me while my parents were busy making a living to support our family. One of the most important and formative spaces for our family was the Taiwanese speaking immigrant church. The congregation allowed my family to find community with other Taiwanese families who became like family to us. The congregation also allowed my family to connect to God in our home language and our heart language. Like all immigrant congregations, however, we experienced generational differences. As second generation children are raised with American values in the English language, parents and children experience a growing divide between them often leading to miscommunications and challenging relationships. Although cultural and value differences are inevitable, that doesn’t mean that we can’t experience healthy intergenerational relationships. I am now a seminary professor in spirituality and a spiritual director. I believe that spiritual formation can help cultivate intergenerational dialogue and healing.
Spiritual formation is actually quite simple, but sometimes the simplest practices are the hardest. Spiritual formation invites us into regular practices of silence and contemplation in order to meet with God. We live in a modern culture, however, that is highly resistant to silence. Our bodies and minds are not used to silence because we fill our days with constant activities. We are constantly stimulated by sounds and screens. But our resistance to silence is not because of silence itself. Our resistance to silence is because the first thing that happens when we quiet down is that we have to confront ourself. Before we meet with God we actually have to take an honest look at ourself. That can feel very scary and uncomfortable. We find distractions because we are avoiding truly examining ourself. Thus, we live in an unhealthy culture in which we don’t truly know ourselves. And we carry our lack of self-awareness into our relationships with our family members and communities which inevitably leads to conflicts. If we can’t even look at ourselves in the silence, then we will also not remain long enough to encounter God. We will fill our prayers with our own words, and avoid actually listening to allow God to respond and speak.
The very first practice of spiritual formation, then, is learning to spend just a few minutes a day to stop. Stop your busyness. Stop your constant activity. Stop for just two minutes. Next, when we stop for a moment we practice noticing. We notice our thoughts, emotions, and other sensations. Oftentimes we experience relational conflicts because we aren’t aware of our emotions. We respond to other people out of our fears, anxieties, or even anger. Perhaps we’re afraid and anxious, but instead of expressing our fears we react with criticism and judgment. Perhaps we feel hurt, but instead of expressing our hurt we react with anger. When we cultivate self-awareness and pay attention to our thoughts and feelings, we will be less reactive in our relationships. For example, if you notice anxiety, take a moment to ask where your anxiety is coming from before you make decisions or respond to others from your anxiety. Learning to stop and be attentive to your emotions will take a lifetime of practice. But over time hopefully your fears, anxieties, and anger will have less control over you.
Next, spiritual formation cultivates and nurtures us in humility and compassion. In our relationships, even family relationships, the reality is we can’t force other people to change. We can only change ourselves. Spiritual formation is the process for engaging our inner healing and transformation. There is a common misconception about humility. Humility doesn’t mean neglecting yourself or putting yourself down. Teresa of Avila, a 16th century Spanish mystic, wrote that humility is simply a realistic perspective of yourself. You know where your strengths are and your areas that need improvement. When we cultivate humility, we then have more compassion for others because they too have areas of strengths and areas of improvement. How we see ourselves becomes how we see others. If we are very critical of ourselves we will be critical of others. We have to offer compassion to ourselves in order to offer compassion to others. And just like we each need grace, we can offer grace to others.
When I was growing up I had many conflicts with my father. Both my brother and I felt that our father was stubborn and he complained about everything. Whenever we went to a fancy restaurant he complained about the costs. He was unable to enjoy anything because he always responded with complaints. It was only as an adult as I engaged in my own spirituality and formation, I could suddenly see that actually my father is a very anxious person. So whenever we do something new like go to a new restaurant, he is actually very uncomfortable and fearful. But because he is not aware of his own fears and anxieties, he reacts with criticism. Criticism is a way in which he protects himself from the unfamiliar. He reacts by being stubborn and not trying anything new. After I realized that my father who tries to act strong is actually afraid and anxious, I had much more compassion and patience for him. I no longer reacted to him with frustration, but instead gave him more time to adjust to changes and new things.
When we prioritize finding our own healing and our own peace, we invite others into their healing and peace too. Therefore, spiritual practices like taking walks in nature, slowing down, and taking time to meet yourself and God in silence, helps us to explore the healing we need within ourselves. I believe that prayer is when our most honest self meets with God. But many times because of life’s busyness and challenges we don’t really know ourselves. Through prayer we can ask for God to show us how God sees us. We can see ourselves through God’s eyes. A commitment to our own healing is a commitment to our family’s healing and our community’s healing. We can begin to engage in intergenerational healing when we can have conversations that are less reactive. We can be honest about our areas of weakness, but also encourage one another in our gifts. We can listen compassionately to one another’s stories and experiences. When we experience the possibility of healing and restoration in ourselves, then we can believe that our children and parents can also experience healing too.